Facing The Pain Alone
by justanoutlaw
Summary: It wasn't Emma's fault, it was hers. She could've just said something about what day it was, but she hadn't. She had expected Emma to be able to read her mind and know what was bothering her. The events were in the book, but it's not as if they came with a calendar.


Yet another I posted on AO3 but not here. Prompted by Anonymous on Tumblr from a ficlet prompt meme I reblogged: "You've been so selfish lately!" Daniel and Neal's deaths are a big theme in this, so fair warning.

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Regina sat in her office, staring at the paperwork that was in front of her. She couldn't even bring herself to read it coherently. Next to her was an open bottle of her spiked cider, half gone. Every time she thought of the argument, she pushed the stack of papers out of the way and took another swig of her drink. Judging by her well used cup, it was evident just how much she had been thinking about it.

It wasn't Emma's fault, it was hers. She could've just said something about what day it was, but she hadn't. She had expected Emma to be able to read her mind and know what was bothering her. The events were in the book, but it's not as if they came with a calendar.

And it just so happened that the date came around the same time as the anniversary of Neal's death.

She had tried to put on a brave face, ignore it. Regina knew it was a big one, 5 years since the day the father of her son had sacrificed himself for everyone else. It wasn't that it didn't bother her, she had her own grief regarding Neal. They had barely gotten to know each other, but he was a part of Henry. Without him, she wouldn't have her son. She wished they had more time to connect. She was able to show Emma baby pictures of their son, home videos and tell funny anecdotes. She wished she could share them with Neal. That wasn't what made her so sad this time of year, though.

However, eventually her emotions starting bubbling over. She was snapping and crying randomly. At first, Regina hid it well, but Emma walked in on her and that's when it all came to a head. It was minutes before they were due to head for the cemetery to meet up with Rumple, Belle, Gideon, Henry, Snow and David. Emma had meant well, she had no other reason to assume why her wife was crying.

" _Oh Regina," Emma had whispered. She knelt beside her, wrapping an arm around her. That just made it worse. She continued to weep, listening to Emma's soothing words, most of which she couldn't make out, until she said… "I know how you feel, I miss him too."_

 _For some reason, it sparked an anger in her. She pushed Emma away from her, causing the woman to do a double take. Regina stood up, wiping the remaining tears from her face._

" _You think I'm crying about Neal?"_

 _Emma's mouth dropped open a bit. "I…I just don't…why else would you.."_

" _Not everything is about you!" Regina told her, wiping away another tear. "You've been so selfish lately!"_

 _She hadn't even given Emma time to respond, she just stormed out of the bathroom and headed out the door._

Regina glanced over at the clock, after 5. They were most likely done with the cemetery and would be heading to Granny's, as they always did on this day. A part of her did feel terrible. She hadn't been there for her family, they needed her and she had let her own stupid grief get in the way.

A sudden knock could be heard against her door. Regina sniffled and quickly blinked any tears that threatened to fall down her face. "Come in," she called. The door opened and Emma walked inside. "Emma."

"Hey," her voice was quiet, but not mad. Regina didn't understand. She had yelled at her, skipped the cemetery, she had expected her to be furious.

"Where's Henry?"

"He went to the diner with my parents and the Golds."

"You didn't want to go?"

"I had to come see you." Emma walked closer to her desk. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Regina sighed, tipping her head back. "Who did?"

"My mom." Emma settled into the chair that was across from her wife's. "I wish I had heard it from you."

"Look, Daniel's death…"

"Is just as important as Neal's," Emma interrupted. "I never asked you because you don't like talking about it, but I see how you get around this time." She chewed on her lip. "You're right, I was selfish. I assumed it was about Neal…"

"That doesn't make you selfish," Regina cut in. "I'm the one who never said anything. I do grieve Neal's death, just…not in the same way you do."

"But the way I grieve Neal, is the way you do Daniel." Regina's silence said it all. "That's okay."

"I should've gone to the cemetery. You needed me, Henry needed me."

"Regina, you put us first time and time again, you have for the past 5 years," Emma told her. "We're not mad at you, not at all. We just wish you had told us, so we could celebrate both lives, if that's what you want."

"You didn't even know him."

"I know he loved you and anyone that loves Regina Mills is pretty fucking awesome in my mind."

Regina smiled a bit. "You don't have to do this."

"I want to."

Regina let out a deep breath. For so long, she had been used to dealing with the pain of Daniel's death alone. She had kept the truth from Snow and the king, she couldn't mention him during the curse and afterwards, she was still alone. She was still learning that she had a family now.

"It's okay to love him," Emma said, interrupting her thoughts. "I know you don't need my permission, but loving him doesn't mean that you can't love me too."

Regina nodded. "The same goes for Neal."

"I know." Though, it was also something that Emma struggled with. "Come on. Let's go."

"I'm not really up for facing everyone at Granny's."

"That's fine. Henry's going home with Rumple and Belle, we can do whatever you want. We could go home…or…like I said, wherever."

Regina thought about it for a minute, before smiling.

"Come on, there's something I want to show you."

Emma returned the smile and stood up, holding her hand out. Regina accepted it, a feeling of relief replacing the one of loneliness.

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As always, I do take prompts for any of my verses or even to start off new ones along with answering questions about my writing on my fanfiction Tumblr: justanoutlawfanfiction.


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